ALLFATHER: Here He comes. The light upon the world.
Ooh! Ooh! Oh!
(LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah. He is something else.
(WAILS)
Any last words, Mr Custer?
Yeah. I have a gun in my pocket.
Wit till the very end.
I do. I have a gun in my inside pocket.
(GUN COCKS)
See? Starr wanted me to kill you.
Then he shall know my buttocks as few men ever have.
Now untie me.
(SCOFFS) You jest.
Well, you're gonna kill me as soon as this works, right?
Of course.
Then let me die on my knees before God.
You have your guards.
You have the gun. You have your Messiah.
Let me die a Christian.
(HANDCUFFS CLICK)
Not very trusting, are you?
On your knees, man of God.
(GRUNTS) Oh.
Forgive me. Amen.
Nothing more?
- (BUTTON CLICKS) - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
(SCREAMS)
No use struggling, Christian.
I will have Genesis.
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
Blessed Almighty!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Onward, Christian soldiers
Marching as to war
With the cross of Jesus
Going on before
Christ, the royal master
Leads against the foe
(WHIP CRACKS)
(COUGHS)
(CHOKING)
No more singing.
(COUGHS)
Hey.
Where are you going with my briefcase? Hmm?
Give it back right now, and maybe I don't beat the snot out of you.
Small woman, do you know who I am?
Yeah, you're the creepy skank who stole our briefcase.
I have other names.
(IN DEEP VOICE) Abaddon. Azrael. The Angel of Death.
What about "Satan's bitch"?
He's your boss, right?
Told you to go on up there and grab Tulip O'Hare?
Well, you done that part right.
But the part you did really wrong
was walk off with something meant for his old lady friend.
Madame L'Angelle?
Your boss made a deal,
and I'm guessing he's gonna rip your pretty little head off
when he hears you screwed up.
(COUGHS)
(SNIFFS)
(IN NORMAL VOICE) I don't like you.
You don't have to.
You just got to brush your teeth every once in a while
and give me back the God damn briefcase.
(BUS HORN HONKS)
(CHOKING)
(COUGHS)
I'll be seeing you.
(COUGHING)
It's not... It's her, not me.
Wait. I can't go to Hell! I am a servant of God!
Look.
Listen.
I don't know who this O'Hare chick is, okay?
But I know it ain't her.
TULIP! TULIP!
Tulip O'Hare! - It's me, Eugene!
(WHIP CRACKS)
(GRUNTS)
So long, Tulip.
(WHIP CRACKS)
What a great surprise!
(ENGINE STARTS)
Fuck.
They were dead long before they met me.
You have to understand, everyone that comes here is lost.
They've given up on mortality. They're seeking something more.
So I show them the promise of the vampire life
before they learn about the reality,
the torment of our existence.
You're a bloody mental case.
I think you actually believe your own bollocks, don't you?
Listen to me.
- I've been listening. - Cassidy...
"I kill people to set them free." That's mental.
You sound like you're in a Kevin Spacey movie.
Only, on top of that, it's a bloody lie.
You've been killing all these people for all these years because you like it.
It gives you power, and it feels good. So just admit it.
All right.
(SIGHS)
Cassidy, you have to try it.
The rush. I mean, you would love it.
We'll do it together. My fondest wish.
Ever since the first time we met, I knew I wanted to do this with you.
They're not drugs, you arsehole. They're people!
All them hundreds you killed were people.
Lisa... Jesus Christ, do you remember Lisa?
- She trusted me. - They're losers!
Desperate posers just like you said.
And if they want to be like us and play with death,
fine, let's play.
- I'm going out there. - No.
I'm going out there,
and I'm gonna tell them exactly who you are.
I can't let you do that.
I won't let you.
(YELLS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
This is what you've been looking for all along,
someone to accept you and your flaws.
Just accept me and mine.
Please, Cassidy.
We're this close to happiness.
I'd rather be sad.
Go on. Just get it over and done with.
No.
It's going to be worse than that.
Very impressive, Messiah.
- (GRUNTS) - (HANDCUFFS CLATTER)
Mission accomplished.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(AIR SQUEAKING)
(SQUISHING)
(CLINKING)
(JOY TO THE WORLD PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
Bravo, Messiah.
We did it.
(DISTORTED) On your knees.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) You son of a bitch!
I should make you eat everything in this God damn room.
Your head looks like a dick.
So I've been told.
Suits you.
Well, Starr, I think we're done.
So if there's nothing else...
Just the apocalypse.
HUMPERDOO: Ooh!
(FLAPS LIPS)
Ooh!
STARR: Left on our own,
we'll have to stop the end of the world his way.
(HUMPERDOO MOANS)
S TA R R: Allfather and the Grail have infiltrated
all the nuclear weapon states.
Their agents wait, poised,
ready to loose their nuclear arsenals upon the world
once they receive
the signal.
(SINGING) Give me that old soft shoe, I said that old soft shoe
A one, a two
STARR: Two thousand years
after the Romans nailed His only begotten son to a cross,
the Grail, protectors of the bloodline,
will roll out Jesus' direct descendant.
MAN: Enable missiles.
Number one enabled.
- Two enabled. - Three enabled.
Go! Go! Go!
Play me that old soft shoe and nothing else will do
That's the dance my darling used to do
S TA R R: And the world will have their chance to accept him as their saviour...
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)
Or reject him and face eternal damnation
in the coming apocalypse.
The Grail has already infiltrated all the nuclear weapon states.
Missiles will fly.
(EXPLOSION)
And when the music stops, the unbelievers will burn.
But the believers will survive
and follow him to a new paradise on Earth.
(HUMPERDOO CHUCKLES)
That is the worst apocalypse plan I have ever heard.
(SIGHS) I agree. Allfather was a lunatic.
You can't kill everyone.
Just the undesirables.
Hipsters, Presbyterians, trade unionists,
the Danes.
A few dozen delicately placed,
low-yield fissile devices ought to do the trick.
With you as Messiah,
we'll have this dung-hole of a planet buffed back into shape in no time.
You are obviously as batshit crazy as Allfather was,
so I'm gonna make this as clear as I can.
For the last time, I am never gonna be your Messiah.
Okay. Fine.
(GRUNTS)
(HUMPERDOO MOANING)
I'll just go to the backup.
(LAUGHS)
I can't let that happen.
Don't see there's anything you can do about it,
other than to agree to take his place.
I'll get rid of him.
You won't. I read your file. You're not a murderer.
Not that kind of murderer anyway.
Be reasonable.
He may be a moron,
but he's the 17th-generation progeny of Christ himself.
The Grail needs a Messiah. It's our entire business model!
(DISTORTED) Stop!
I'm sorry, Starr. You're gonna need a new business.
I still can't believe it!
Running into you... like this.
Yeah. Crazy.
So you're going to Hell, huh?
TULIP: Not if I can help it.
I always heard you liked to fight...
and curse... and were...
promiscuous but I guess I didn't realise things had
gotten so far out of hand.
This is a mistake. I am not supposed to be going to Hell.
Oh my gosh! Me too!
The only place I'm supposed to be going is off
this damn bus!
Ja.
Not surprised.
I drove this hölle express for many years.
No one ever got off.
Not without help anyway.
We don't want your help.
I wasn't offering it. I was merely making conversation.
Ok, well maybe we don't want to have a conversation with you.
It's a free country.
Well silence is golden, so...
Quiet, woman! You'll...
Now look what you've done!
I was telling her! Behave yourself!
(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)
How's your back?
My advice to you is, just sit tight.
I don't sit tight. Sitting tight is not an option.
She saved your ass back there.
Please. I was talking my way out of there just fine.
And she was on her way to Hell sooner or later anyway.
Man, you're a bitch.
What are you, a Boy Scout?
So she's gonna eat these? Then what?
- (ANIMAL SQUEALS) - (THUD)
(BRAKES SCREECH)
FEATHERSTONE: Is that a paw or a hoof or a...
Pain in the ass is what it is.
Gonna take a while to clean out all the what-not.
You got the souls. I'm out.
Herr Starr doesn't do well for long stretches without me.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(CASSIDY BREATHING HEAVILY)
(POOL BALL CLACKS IN DISTANCE)
Guys! Guys!
We've all got to get out of here right now before he gets back.
He's a bleeding maniac!
Do you know what he's done to your mates?
What he's gonna do to all of youse? Nobody's flying anywhere.
Do you know what? I am gonna bolt. I'm gonna bolt right now.
Come on. Let's go. Who's coming with me?
Come on. We should all go right now!
Come on! What?
You killed Mr Hoover.
Listen to me. I didn't kill Mr bloody Hoover.
I stopped him killing Hoover. He killed Lisa. He killed Deng.
He's killed all the others, and he's gonna kill you, too,
just so he can flit about in the bloody sky.
I mean, God knows what else he can do.
Listen. Listen. Eccarius is... What?
Oh, he's standing right behind me.
Well, my children,
Cassidy paints quite a vivid portrait.
Who are we gonna believe?
This bitter, destructive lost soul
who we welcomed with open arms?
In return, he brought the Catholics right to our very doorstep.
Hang on. Hang on a minute.
Or your Lord who loves you,
who has always and will always love you?
He loves you? You're his fix.
Says the junkie who hates you almost as much as he hates himself.
All right, I did.
I said some harsh words when I first got here.
- That doesn't... I don't... - Yes, what exactly
did Cassidy call us when he arrived?
"Idiots."
(MEN MURMURING)
"Stupid posers."
(CHUCKLES) An example must be made.
(GROWLS)
None of youse touch me!
There you are, my children. The true maniac amongst us.
(HISSES)
An example must be made.
We're innocent... ...and we're escaping together.
That is God's plan... ...that is the reason we're here.
I don't know about that, but...
Hey.
Either of you guys got a dime or, like, a dime-like thing?
Something like this?
Good, Eugene.
See! God has a plan.
Yeah.
I don't like this.
I think we should just be waiting for Rick to rescue us.
Who the hell is Rick?
My Reichsmarschall Rick from Circuit Works.
He and his SS shock troops should be...
He said he was coming.
We're gonna escape down there?
Not exactly.
Give me one of your buttons.
But I earned these.
What about the girl? Was she with a preacher,
or did she die alone?
She didn't die at all.
Satan told me to grab her off the street.
What about the rules?
Don't be a Pollyanna. Your deformity boy isn't dead either.
It's the Wild West, cowboy. God's gone.
There are no rules,
not that the old ones did your wife and kid any good.
(CAWING)
I'm gonna drop these in the drive shaft.
The cuffs will anchor the chain so it can catch on the flange yoke
where the U-joint meets the differential.
Once the U-joint jams,
then the crown gear will seize,
and either one or both of the axles are gonna lock.
You're gonna hear this big, loud screech,
and the whole back of the bus, it's gonna start fishtailing.
We might even flip. But once we're stopped,
we're gonna have long enough to make a run for it.
That's it.
How do you know all of this stuff?
Foster care.
Brace yourselves.
Ready?
One, two,
three.
(CHAINS RATTLING)
(DISTORTED) Freeze.
HUMPERDOO: Oh! (CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES)
Humperdee?
(MOANING)
Oh! (MOANS)
No! Don't do it! I need a Messiah, Messiah.
(MOANING CONTINUES)
Oh!
Humperdoo.
Whoa.
Oh.
Oh, oh.
Oh!
(LOUD GROAN)
VOICE 1: Humperdoo.
VOICE 2: Humperdoo.
VOICE 3: Humperdoo.
(CHUCKLES)
(MUFFLED VOICES)
No!
Custer, you maniac!
(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)
- (HORN HONKING) - (THUD)
(DISTORTED) Relax.
You don't know what you've done...
Stopped an apocalypse. Two by the sounds of it.
Not a bad day.
Here's the last of your "Tom/Brady" cocktail.
Genesis is mine.
So we find ourselves adversaries once again, Custer.
I've got a date with a mean old lady.
Give her my love.
One more thing.
(DISTORTED) No more hats.
(SIREN BLARING)
(DISTORTED) Stop!
(WHIMPERING LOUDLY)
(SCREAMS)
It pains us to do this,
but there's no worse offence than to betray your own kind.
It's time.
Kevin, the drapes.
(GRUNTING)
That's embarrassing.
Should we move him into the light?
No.
We'll let the sun come to him.
(GRUNTING)
Give me time to collect something.
And give Cassidy
more time to reflect.
(GRUNTS)
I'll make a lasagna.
(GRUNTS)
Here's an idea...
We build a bomb.
HITLER: Rick should be here by now.
I gave him directions. Where the hell is he?
Shut up!
Hitler, no one is going to save you!
Right, so um...
We build a bomb...
then we put it up against the window.
and the force of it...
(MIMICS EXPLOSION)
...window explodes... we jump out.
Where you going?
Build a bomb.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
That bitch is crazy!
Yeah.
She's the best.
FEATHERSTONE: Fetching, sir.
Especially like the mutton chops.
I feel duty-bound to inform you of a significant lifestyle change.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
I'm a vampire.
But I assure you,
it will have no impact whatsoever on my job performance or professionalism.
(CLEARS THROAT)
I think it's on backwards.
No, I was wrong.
Son of a whoring bitch! (ECHOES)
So here's the thing.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Be my guest.
Seriously though.
Go ahead.
You wouldn't be the first person pissed herself on this ride.
Would I be the first to call you a dumbass leather skank?
You'd be the first (VOICE DEEPENS) and the last.
What?
Huh?
Yeah, you better look away.
I ain't scared of him.
Not any more.
Not since a preacher I know pretty much beat his sorry ass.
No wonder they made you errand boy after that mess.
I'm no one's errand boy.
Bus ride babysitting? (SCOFFS)
Sounds like errand-boy shit to me.
I'm surprised they didn't just make him Satan's ass-wiper. (CHUCKLES)
Whatever she did...
Mr Saint... I'm sure she is very sorry.
He's right.
I...
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you an errand boy.
I should've called you an errand bitch.
(GROANS)
Did it work?
You built a bomb.
Sun...
They want to be vampires and change the world,
but try (CHUCKLES) getting them to pick up after themselves...
Could I trouble you for a beverage?
I got... I got an awful throat on me here.
Energy drink?
Oh, yeah. Go on. I could do with a caffeine bump.
I've been napping through me own crucifixion.
Thank you.
Oh, Mr Cassidy. Handsome and funny, and they all look up to you.
(CHUCKLES)
Too bad you turned out to be such a rotten piece of shit.
Christ, you can never be too sure about people, huh?
And now here you nailed to a pool table with tent stakes.
It's just so disheartening, Mr Cassidy.
I feel the same.
Well, hopefully, you'll burn quick.
Although I doubt it with all these soda spills.
Mrs Rosen?
You've been very kind to me, you know?
Like me dear old Granny B used to be.
God rest her soul. (CHUCKLES)
Can I be greedy and ask for one small act of kindness?
I won't let you go, Mr Cassidy.
No, no, no, of course not.
Just one last request for a vampire condemned.
You know the flown children?
You have all their numbers, right?
Right? Lisa, she's in Poland.
You just call her up.
Tell her I'm sorry. All right?
Okay so, we're going about 40 miles per hour,
but there's a grass shoulder, so when we break the window,
we're gonna go out feet first.
You've got to jump as far away from the side of the bus as possible
so you don't get run over.
Stabbed in the back again, just like 1918.
When you're in the air,
you're gonna tuck your body
like you're doing a cannonball into a swimming pool.
Do not break your fall with your arms, okay?
Once you feel the ground, you're gonna roll, roll...
HITLER: Get out of my way!
Auf Wiedersehen, suckers!
(WOMAN SINGING IN GERMAN)
(SONG ENDS)
I was having the most wonderful dream.
That's nice.
Jody's not back yet,
and there's no word from Lil' Jesse.
MARIE: Jesse will be here.
He'll come back.
He gave me his word.
(STAMMERS) And you believe him, Miss Marie?
Well, of course, I do. He's coming to kill me.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Thanks, fellows.
(DISTORTED) Back to work.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)